


The Bitch is Back

by SunflowerSupreme



Series: Goodbye Yellow Brick Road (Witcher Modern AU) [3]
Category: The Witcher (TV), Wiedźmin | The Witcher (Video Game), Wiedźmin | The Witcher - All Media Types, Wiedźmin | The Witcher Series - Andrzej Sapkowski
Genre: Gen, Modern AU
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-26
Updated: 2020-01-26
Packaged: 2021-02-27 05:35:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,180
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22421932
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SunflowerSupreme/pseuds/SunflowerSupreme
Summary: Geralt only thought that he was free of the reporter.
Relationships: Geralt z Rivii | Geralt of Rivia & Jaskier | Dandelion
Series: Goodbye Yellow Brick Road (Witcher Modern AU) [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1599964
Comments: 23
Kudos: 225





	The Bitch is Back

**Author's Note:**

> I'm a bitch, I'm a bitch oh, the bitch is back  
> Stone-cold sober as a matter of fact  
> I can bitch, I can bitch 'cause I'm better than you  
> It's the way that I move, the things that I do oh  
> I entertain by picking brains  
> Sell my soul, by dropping names  
> I don't like those! My God, what's that!  
> Oh, it's full of nasty habits when the bitch gets back.

Geralt hated Kikimoras. They were foul, slimy, a pain to kill, and reminded him of Blaviken. But somehow - because Eskel and Lambert were both busy - he found himself being the one called out to deal with a Kikimora that had made a home in a swamp too close to a city.

Thankfully, it was an old creature and died quickly.

“Oh, that’s horrifying. What the hell is that?”

Geralt spun sharply and his eyes narrowed. “Dandelion?”

The reporter was standing at the edge of the swamp, peering curiously at the dead body of the monster Geralt had just killed. He wasn’t dressed to be traipsing about in nature, wearing another cardigan with jeans and a brightly colored scarf. Although he was wearing boots, they clearly weren’t the kind intended for hiking through mud.

Then he looked up at Geralt and shrieked.

“Oh gods, what is that?” Jaskier demanded, pointing at Geralt’s face, his own contorted in horror.

The Witcher crossed his arms over his chest, narrowing his eyes. “That’s my face you jerk.”

“What happened to it?”

Oh. He’d forgotten that he’d taken a potion. “Black Blood.”

“Well, your eyes are black, I don’t know about your blood-”

“It’s a Witcher potion, Dandelion,” he snapped, throwing the severed monster head at Jaskier’s feet. The reporter squeaked and danced away, no doubt afraid he’d get blood on his outfit. “Make yourself useful.” He still wasn’t sure what the man was doing there - how the hell had he found him - but if he insisted on being there, Geralt was going to take advantage of it.

Jaskier didn’t, of course, because he was apparently incapable of being useful. Instead, he crept closer to Geralt, peering at his face curiously. “Geralt- I- I have to ask-”

“Uh-huh.”

“Why does it do that?”

“I drank Black Blood-”

“You said that! I meant- what causes your face to look like that?”

“It’s made from the blood of humans,” Geralt lied. “Annoying reporters in particular.” He took a moment to snap a photo of the corpse, then texted it to his employer so they could wire him payment.

“Now you’re just being impossible!”

“You’re the one who’s stalking me!”

“Stalking you?” demanded Jaskier, folding his arms over his chest. “I will have you know that I live near here, thank you very much, so when I heard you were in the area - alright, fine, I went looking. But honestly, it was only an hour out of my way.”

“Hmm,” said Geralt, grabbing the monster’s head and stomping off. 

“You haven’t said anything about my article!”

“I’m more concerned about the damn song.”

Jaskier chased after him, jumping from one dry patch of ground to another. “Geralt, listen- AH!”

Geralt turned to see him clinging to a tree branch, clearly having tripped and almost fallen. He raised an eyebrow.

“Are you going to help or are you just going to stand there?” demanded Jaskier.

The Witcher shrugged. “You got out here just fine.”

“True,” he said with a frown, taking a careful step, studying the ground as he moved. “You were complaining about my youtube channel.”

“You sent the article for our approval, but you never asked about the song.”

Jaskier shrugged. “It’s just a silly tune,” he said. “I studied medieval music in schools, it’s based on drinking songs.”

“I noticed,” said Geralt with a snort. “ _Toss a Coin to Your Witcher_? Really? Most people pay with checks.”

“ _Toss a Venmo To Your Witcher_ doesn’t have the same ring,” replied the reporter with a shrug.

Geralt shook his head, keeping his back to Jaskier so the human wouldn’t see him grin.

They finally reached the edge of the swamp, stepping back onto the road where Geralt had parked, the bard’s car right behind Roach. Sure it might be weird to nickname his car, but he didn’t care.

“Woah!” Jaskier had been so focused on watching his feet and making certain that he didn’t trip that he hadn’t noticed Geralt stopping in front of him until he slammed into his back.

“Watch your step,” Geralt grumbled. “Or, watch where you’re going at least.”

“Listen,” said Jaskier, peeling himself off the Witcher’s shoulders and quickly jumping onto the next conversation. “Let me buy you dinner.”

“It’s lunchtime.”

“Then I’ll buy you lunch! There’s an excellent bar not far from here, we can get wasted.”

“You drunk is the last thing I want to see,” snorted Geralt. But he let the bard lead the way anyway.

* * *

The bar Jaskier had picked out wasn’t what he was expecting. Given the man’s clothing and apparent lifestyle he’d fully expected it to be a hipster bar that served cocktails with strange names while the servers ran around in scarves and button-up sweaters.

He was actually rather impressed by how seedy the place was.

The reporter bounced in ahead of him, shouting a greeting to the man at the counter before dragging Geralt to a booth in the corner after placing their orders. His notebook appeared on the table as if by magic. “What’s a kikimora?” he asked.

“You just saw one,” said Geralt.

“I saw what was left of one, you’d hacked off half the legs by the time I got there!”

“Google it.”

Jaskier swore under his breath. “Fine. How did you kill it?”

“With a sword.”

The reporter let out a sigh. “Alright, fine. But next time you have a contract, I’m coming with you.”

“No.”

“How else am I supposed to write about you?!”

“I promised you one article, Dandelion, and so far you’ve gotten one article and a damn song.”

“That article, I will have you know, is the most popular thing I’ve ever written. It was picked up by the Huffington Post! And now people want more.”

“Why?”

Jaskier shrugged. “Why do people want anything? They’re curious.” He tapped his hand, then picked up the drink that had just been dropped off. “Its interesting really-”

“What’s interesting?”

“The LGBT community has rallied around the Witchers, you in particular.”

“I’m not a gay icon.”

“Not like that!” the reporter said quickly. “You’re outcasts, people love that. People who feel like outcasts want to see other outcasts doing well for themselves.”

Geralt looked down at his drink with a frown. “Isn’t the point of the community that they were born like that?”

Jaskier tilted his head. “In a way,” he said. “But it’s also about being accepted the way you are.”

“Society won’t ever accept Witchers.”

“Not that many years ago, Alan Turing was castrated for being gay. Now we have gay politicians.”

Not for the first time, Geralt is forced to remember that the flamboyant man sitting across from him graduated Summa Cum Laude. “I don’t want to be a politician, and Lambert should be kept out of politics at all costs.”

“You’re ignoring my point, Geralt!”

The Witcher grinned and sipped his beer. He still wasn’t certain what to make of Jaskier, but- his phone buzzed and he glanced at the screen. “You want to see a Drowner?” he asked before he could help himself.

Jaskier’s eyes gleamed. 

**Author's Note:**

> I borrowed a quote from [ Oops Prompts.](https://oopsprompts.tumblr.com/post/158562491098/oh-god-what-is-that-thats-my-face-you)


End file.
